It’s been a while since I was confronted with my own trauma. Let me break it down, London is such a beautiful city, a city of love, unique people and creatives but I always find myself under the influence of loneliness.
With my photography I’ve met so many, even too many people, the subcultures, the music scene and the model scene and you’d expect to never feel lonely but you do, at least I do. I’m addicted to the loneliness, the brief encounters, the disingenuous moments that feel like they will last a lifetime. It’s like being high.
Sometimes I wish my camera could capture what I feel but I think that is not what the function of a camera is. I capture what I see and what I see is moments of beauty but what I feel is the reality of loneliness. How do you capture that mist of loneliness? Because I believe that everything that is created is beautiful, that is my own opinion. But the power of words, the verity of words is much greater.
So back to trauma, my mum would make it known that I was meant to be lonely, she would say “no one would want you”, “they don’t even like you”, “your friendships will never last”, “you are being used”, “I’m the only one here for you” and hearing this nearly every day created a storm of thorns within me, every time I got close to someone, I felt my inner self being pricked by the thorns. Fast forwarding to now I can be in a room filled with such amazing people and identities and the inevitable question of “how do they interact like that?” will always send me into the pits of social isolation. I’ve let myself become an extension of my own art rather than my art being an extension of myself, writing is the truth for me and that’s how I regain emotional power.
So the question is, am I always blaming the loneliness on the culture or is it my own trauma? I was set up to believe that no one wanted me and my mind functions that way. I said at the beginning of the year that I want my art to be truth and, in all honesty, I didn’t know how to depict truth in my pictures, so I write.
Words and images: Blue Kizozo @confusedcu1ture